Seasons of Love
by lifewillout-always
Summary: Meredith flees Seattle for a year after the death of Derek. No one knows where she is, or what happens during her year away. Title taken from the RENT song; how do we really measure a year? {This is my interpretation of what happens during that year.} Rated T but has language.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I had this idea to write a fic about the year Meredith disappeared. I'm sure it's been done a million times before but I wanted to write out my interpretation and my series of events the way I wanted them to happen. I was driving to work one day and Seasons of Love from Rent came on and it struck a chord and I thought, how do you really measure a year in the life of someone, especially of someone who's built up her life from nothing, from one night stands to being a mother of two and the wife of that one night stand? And thus my muse flew from there. Each chapter will be a month in that year so this will be a relatively short fic; twelve chapters, but if people like it I may be persuaded to write a sequel!

If there's anything you want to see in future chapters, don't hesitate to tell me! I take requests and will add things in if it's reasonable and I see fit In that case…onwards to chapter one!


	2. January

Meredith took a deep breath, twisting her rings around her finger as she prepared herself to walk into the Attendings lounge. Once she walked into that room nothing would be the same again. Of course it already would never be the same, but this would truly make it...official, really. Letting people know. Oh god, Amelia was in there. She hesitated, her hand on the doorknob. She inhaled another deep breath, before pushing the door open and stepping inside. The room was chaos, her friends rushing around, engaged in mindless chatter. She felt detached from it all, like a small child in a room full of adults.

"Derek's dead," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. No one looked her way or acknowledged her existence in the room. She swallowed hard and bit back her tears as she spotted Amelia chatting away to Callie on the couch.

"Derek's dead," she said, louder this time. This time everyone looked at her and time seemed to stop. Her stomach churned dangerously and she wanted to make a mad dash for the bathroom. Derek was dead and his child was very much alive in her stomach; that much she knew.

Suddenly everyone was buzzing around her, grabbing her by the hand and pulling her over to the couch. Someone close by was crying; she suspected it was Amelia but she couldn't be sure. She was numb, moving through the motions of her daily life without really feeling or comprehending anything. How could she live in a world where Derek Shepherd was not alive? When did she get so dependent on a man? Maybe her mother was right, he had made her ordinary. Right now she wished she was extraordinary, and this entire situation had never happened.

"Grey. GREY!" She heard someone say, but it didn't sink in. Someone sat next to her on the couch. "Meredith. Mere?" She heard someone say, and she finally turned her head. It was Maggie. Thank god for Maggie, her half sister who she'd finally grown to love. Maggie pulled her into her arms and Meredith reluctantly put her arms around her, refusing to break down. "Mere, where are the kids? Are they in day care?" Meredith nodded, still not truly going through the motions of actually living. This wasn't living, this was hell. If this were living, Derek would be there with her, with their two - no almost three - children. They would be growing older together every day, learning new things about each other still, after all these years, watching their children grow up, marveling over her pregnancy. This was hell.

"I've got to go," Meredith said suddenly, pulling back from Maggie and jumping up from the couch. If she stayed there any longer she was going to break down. She was Meredith Grey and she did not break down. Not in front of her friends and family, and definitely not while she took her husband off life support.

She bolted from the room and headed for the daycare, signing out Bailey and Zola. Getting them into the car was easy; they'd been so good since everything has happened luckily. They took the ferry boat back to their house, where Meredith sat the two young children down in front of a Disney movie and started going through the motions of packing. She threw all of the kids clothes in as many bags she could find, as many diapers for Bailey she could find, as many toys she could grab, before toting them all downstairs. Then came the moment she was dreading. She pushed open the door to their bedroom and tears flooded her eyes. Derek was everywhere. His cologne, his clothes, dirty clothes across the floor. She threw her own clothes into suitcases, remembering to pack maternity clothes and some stray prenatal vitamins from when she was pregnant with Bailey, before dragging everything to the front hall. The kids were still enthralled by the film so she worked on packing the car up. Blankets came next; she had no idea where they were going or when they were going to get there.

Sometime in the middle of all of this Meredith had started crying, but she didn't realize it until she touched her cheeks and her face was wet. Dammit. She had to be strong right now, not just for Zola and Bailey, but for herself and the unborn child in her womb. This was just too much, it was all too much. She had such little hope for the pregnancy, despite how badly she was already invested in it.

"Zozo, Bay, come on. We're going for a ride in the car," she said, drying her tears and sniffling, pulling her dirty blonde hair back into a ponytail.


	3. February

When Meredith had packed up the kids and the car and started driving, she didn't have an exact destination in mind. Somehow, however, after half a day's journey and a dozen rest stops for the bathroom, they ended up in San Fransisco to stay overnight. And they never left. Meredith was attracted to the climate; it reminded her of Seattle with the cool, cloudy days, the ferry boats, being close to the water, and the rain. She managed to get a job at San Francisco General Hospital; luckily enough the Grey name and the Shepherd name backed up her credentials. Zola joined a kindergarten class at one of the private schools close to the house Meredith had found to rent - luckily it was one she ended up liking as well - and Bailey went to daycare at the hospital.

Meredith was all alone, with constant phone calls from Alex every single day. She ignored every single call, just wanting to be alone with her misery. She wasn't ready to talk about what had happened, she wasn't ready to face what had happened, and she felt that talking about it would mean facing it and therefore would come to moving on. Moving on was not an option, not when the love of her life was gone. She was holding on to everything she could, especially with her 10 week pregnant stomach expanding more and more every day. With her second pregnancy she was showing earlier, but luckily she was able to hide her bump under her scrubs at work. She wasn't ready to be mommy-tracked, especially at a brand new job where no one knew her story, besides he fact that she was a widow with two young children.

Coming home to her children every day was her saving grace however. Watching Zola as she learned how to read, and having her read her new favorite stories put a smile on her face as she relaxed on the sofa, Bailey curled up in her arms. They were all she had now, Bailey and Zola, and she clung to them like she used to cling to Derek, as if her world would stop turning without them. And for all she knew it would, seeing as how it felt like her would could stop turning every second if she didn't keep herself occupied, every second of every day. It was all she had left; everyone she loved had left her.

Denial wasn't just a river in Egypt. And Meredith was in serious denial. Every minute she half expected her phone to ring, for Derek's face to light up on her iPhone, for him to come running through the door and tell her it was a joke. She dreamt about it, she dreamt every night of walking into that hospital room at Dillard and seeing Derek there, banged up but alive and waiting for her. And every morning she woke up with I shed tears, reaching next to her in the empty bed space, hoping he's next to her. And in each instance she's disappointed, because he's not there. She feels robbed, robbed of their life together. They were back on the right path, they were fixing what was wrong. They were supposed to grow old together, he was supposed to cure Alzheimer's and take care of her when it took over her brain. They were going to die together when they were old and gray, surrounded by children and grandchildren.

Denial hurts.

Meredith was snapped out of her mind by her daughter, looking down at her in her lap, trying to remember what she had been doing. Right. Braiding her hair before school. Zola was whining that she wanted to get there and play with the new friends she had made.

"Mommyyyyy you're being super slow this morning," she whined, crinkling her nose as Meredith resumed braiding her little girls hair. Meredith wondered when she had gotten so big and so sassy, and shook her head a bit. She was so out of it these days, juggling being a general surgery attending and her two kids, that she was missing out on the small things. Being a single parent was hard. If only Derek….

No. She needed to stop thinking that way, as tears sprung to her eyes immediately. She finished up Zola's hair and pulled her into a tight hug. "Zozo, Mama loves you so much," she said, taking the moment to just hold her big girl in her arms, soak her in, plaster her with kisses. After a moment she let her go with a sad smile. "Go get your things ready for school, I'm going to get Bailey and make us some breakfast," she said, standing up from the bed and getting a headrush, hand on her growing bump. She wished he was here, the great neuro god, to tell her to take it easy, lay down, stand up slower, that he would cook breakfast for all four of them, that he'd make something special for her queasy stomach. She looked around the room - photos of them together, with and without Bailey and Zola. She still slept with one of his shirts that smelled just like him, she kept a bottle of his favorite cologne on her dresser. With a small sigh she exited the bedroom and headed down the hallway to Baileys room, where he was standing behind a baby gate. "Good morning Bailey-boo," she said, managing a smile as she took off the gate and swept the toddler into his arms. She changed his diaper with ease and headed downstairs, plopping into his high chair and making eggs and toast for the three of them, something that she had gotten increasingly better at. Once everyone was finished she released the kids to play while she did the dishes. Out of the corner of the eye she kept swearing she saw Derek rounding the hallways of the large, very empty house, and she kept shaking her head, tears falling into the sink, staining her pale pink shirt.

The one thing she loved about San Fransisco in February was how closely it mirrored Seattle. Getting the kids into their coats and into the car was a chore, but she was grateful for the misty rain. It reminded her of home, and of him. Of standing on the top deck of the ferry boat, the wind whipping her hair and scarf around, of kissing him endlessly on the way to the hospital, the kids clinging to their legs or looking out of the viewfinders. But in San Fransisco, Meredith avoided the ferry boats at all costs. At first Zola and Bailey had begged to go and she'd conceded, but it hurt to much. Way too much. So she took the long way to the hospital, even though it meant listening to an endless reel of kid-friendly music that drove her crazy, and endless traffic. It was one less bit of misery to keep her from.

Once she got to the hospital though, she was in her zone. She could push away the denial and be the stone cold daughter of stone cold Ellis Grey. She was hard on her interns and she pushed them. That is, until she was unwillingly thrust on a neuro consult. Then she tended to shut down and spoke at the bare minimum, while being the best surgeon she could and providing the best care. The worst were DOA cases. The best were when she could save a life in the ER simply by ordering a head CT, unlike Penny.

Then there were the moments at work when her morning sickness reared it's ugly head, and she could sneak away to the attending's lounge, to the private bathroom, and lock herself in there to vomit and cry. Cry because she was pregnant and alone, and cry because it was the end of February finally. She was 12 weeks pregnant and Derek had been gone for two months. He wasn't coming back. She knew he wasn't coming back.

* * *

A/N Thanks for the reads and the review! I didn't know if anyone would like this but I'm glad for the encouragement! I hope you like this chapter and I'm getting started on the next one right now! Again, comment with anything you'd like to see happen in the fic and I'll try my best to make it happen!


	4. March

Somehow it was now mid-March. At nearly 16 weeks, Meredith was struggling to hide her baby bump beneath her scrubs, and struggling to hide her OB appointments from the rest of her co-workers. Bailey and Zola knew though; they knew that mommy was having a new baby brother or sister and they were delighted. Zola liked to curl up next to Meredith on the sofa after dinner while they watched a movie and keep a hand on her baby bump, while Bailey liked to keep his ear glued to it, trying to feel the baby kicked. These days Meredith would just look down and sigh, tearing up. Hormones were getting the better of her by now as she held her two children close to her, the third safe and growing in her womb.

Although she was a general surgery attending, Meredith had asked to do a fellowship in Neurosurgery. She had only left Neuro to save their marriage, and now she wanted to be a neurosurgeon to become closer to him, to know everyday that she was continuing Derek's life's work. Perhaps one day she would cure Alzheimer's before it took over her brain and her three kids had to make her decisions for her. So far, she was loving the Neuro fellowship, but it was kicking her ass as she was insisting on keeping at least half of her general surgery work. A little bit of her mother, a little bit of Derek.

Throughout all of this, she had become incredibly angry. Angry at that stupid resident at Dillard, angry that Derek had even been on that road in the first place, angry at herself for pushing him to take the job in DC. What was worst of all, he had been on his way to DC to quit. He was going to quit his job so that he could stay in Seattle and spend more time with her and the kids, and he'd died in the process. It wasn't fair, and she was angry. Angry with a higher power, angry with herself, and angry with him, but she didn't know how to get all of her anger out. She usually did it by drowning her sorrows in tequila, but at four months pregnant that wasn't a possibility. Surgery helped, cutting people open and fixing them helped, cutting open brains and fixing those helped, especially cases like Derek's had been, saving their lives have a traumatic car crash. But it wasn't enough.

At night, after the kids were in bed, sometimes she sat on the couch in the dark living room and cried. How had her live ended up like this? Nearly three kids and a widow. She'd had the love of her life and he was gone. Anger seethed through her and her hands curled into fists as she grabbed a pillow, screaming into it so the kids wouldn't hear her breaking down. How was she going to move on? How was she going to handle three children under the age of five?

The next day at work she found herself in the psych wing of the hospital, requesting an appointment with the next available appointment, a Dr. Waldorf. Luckily she was free in three hours, so Meredith went back to rounding on her patients until the appointment came up. Heading back to the psych wing, Meredith was led into an office with a plush couch, where she was told to sit. The therapist asked her a few basic questions, before looking to Meredith, offering her the chance to speak.

"My husband is dead," she began, swallowing hard. "My husband is dead and I'm mad at him for being dead," she continued, looking upwards and feeling selfish. "He died in a car accident, in Seattle, after he saved four people from a previous accident. He got hit by a truck. Literally. He was taken to a hospital without a trauma center, and they failed to do a head CT. He bled into his brain and died." Meredith realized this was the first time she had spoken the exact details outloud and she realized she was shaking. There it was. Someone in San Fransisco knew about her dark and twisty past, about her dead husband. She looked down at her bump, touching the top of it. "He didn't know I was pregnant. We…we decided to try for another baby a few weeks before he died. The night he died, I found out," she said, exhaling and feeling her eyes watering up. Dr. Waldorf nodded, writing a few things down in her notebook. "We have two kids, they're five and almost three," she added, wondering if it was still 'we' and not 'I' at this point. No, it would forever be we. She had decided she wasn't moving on, there would be no other guys. Just her McDreamy forever. She rambled on for awhile longer, until Dr. Waldorf stopped her. "It was great talking to you today Meredith, and I think weekly sessions should be in order. You've just suffered a huge trauma to your life, you ran away from your life in Seattle. You and I need to work together in order for you to heal." She nodded slightly, remember working with Dr. Wyatt for months and months after her personal trauma. "Thank you, sitting down and actually getting out my feelings actually felt great," she admitted, forcing herself to get off of the couch as they made an appointment for next week. She forced a smile at the therapist and walked out the door. She was on Neuro today and had a surgery in two hours, but now she had an OB appointment.

Running up to OB, she quickly checked in and was led into a room, told to take everything off below the waist, and wait for her doctor. She clung to her phone, debating calling Alex or even Cristina, who she hadn't talked to in almost a year, but she couldn't. She was on her own and accepting help from no one. The OB came in and smiled at her, squirting gel on her stomach. "Baby is looking good, and it looks like they're in the right position for us to know the gender. Would you like to know?" she said, smiling at Meredith. Mere bit her lip and thought about it; Derek would have wanted to know. "Of course I do," she said, giving her first true smile in months. The OB turned the screen towards her and Meredith's face lit up. "Oh!" she cried out, her fingertips reaching toward the screen. There was a healthy baby girl reflecting back at her, head, fingers, toes, everything fully formed. The OB printed photos out for her and cleaned her up, and Meredith went on her merry way with an actual smile on her face. It didn't go unnoticed by her co-workers.

Later, however, after the kids were tucked in bed, Meredith was angry again. She kept staring at the ultrasound photos, which were now splashed with tears, and she gave a heavy sigh. She was sitting in the living room alone, the tv was off, the dishwasher was on, laundry was in, but she was all alone. "Derek," she said, feeling stupid for talking to herself. She didn't believe in god or a higher power; she as a doctor. There wasn't room for God in the OR. "Derek I am really fucking mad at you," she continued, the tears streaming down her face. "You told me everything was going to be fine, that we would have our life together. And then you went and fucking died," she said, choking on her tears. She knew anger was common when you were grieving, but no one told her how much it hurt, how much all of this would hurt. "It's not okay that you did that, I hate you Derek Christopher Shepherd," she stammered, breaking down and curling into a ball. "We're having a baby, a baby girl, and she's never going to know her dad," she wailed, shoving her face into the pillow again. "She's never going to know her dad, she's going to grow up to be scary and damaged just like me, except in my case my dad is alive and you're fucking dead," she sobbed. She didn't know where this was coming from or how to make it stop.

Anger was the worst. What could she even do? Hate a dead person? She said she did but she couldn't, really. She had unhooked him, had told him it was okay to go. The person she hated to most was the resident who told her there was nothing else she could do for him, that they had skipped the head CT. And that was why she was going back and doing a fellow in Neuro. So she could prevent stupid mistakes like the one that had claimed the life of Derek Shepherd.

The next thing she knew, the sun was streaming through the windows of the house. She must've fallen asleep on the couch. The kids were still asleep which was good. She stretching out and sighed, feeling utterly defeated. Everything was still so raw, so new, so painful. It was like a third degree burn – the healing time would be long and hard. She was strong and resilient, she had to be. She had little kids to be strong for. She had endured, she had withstood many things in just the 9 or so years she'd known Derek. She knew she could get through this.

If only she weren't so fucking angry.

* * *

A/N I posted this chapter so soon because, well, I liked it a lot, and I'm going away from tomorrow until Monday so I probably won't be able to post anything until Monday or Tuesday! This is the longest chapter so far. I'm sure by now you can tell I'm having Meredith go through the stages of grief, which is difficult to write but it's interesting all the same. Keep on reviewing and reading and following, i'm loving this!

I'm thinking of writing a one-shot of Addison learning about Derek's death but I'm not sure. Thoughts? I also have plans to write an AU where Derek survives the car crash and they simply...move on with their lives. Still with some drama, but no widow-Meredith, but yes baby Ellis. Anyways, thanks for the reviews and keep the love coming!


	5. Authors Note

A/N

Still away until tomorrow and then I have to write the April chapter! In the meantime I figured I'd answer some of my reviews

XxthecornykittyxX : The fic IS rated M so that should serve as a warning and even if it was rated T, I feel the language is perfectly normal and justified for what Meredith is going through.

unnamedconspirator: Thank you SO much! I feel the same way and couldn't find any fics that dealt with it which is why I took it upon myself to write my own

Sarah Grey: Thank you so much!


	6. April

With April came 20 weeks. She had been pregnant for 20 weeks. Getting pregnant around Christmas was a weird concept, knowing that she and so many other women had gotten pregnant at the same time. September was such a popular month to have kids and Meredith sighed, her hands placed on top of her growing bump as she sat in Dr. Waldorfs office again. She had been seeing the psych once a week since the first session but she felt there was nothing left to say. All she had spoken about was the Derek portion, and nothing else. No mommy issues, no dead sister, no new half sister, no drowning, no plane crash, no nothing. Just her relationship with Derek, start to horrific crashing finish.

"I wish I could go in his place," she finally said, closing her eyes. She knew it was pointless to let the words out; if she was gone then he'd be just as much of a wreck as she was and wishing he was the one dead. She couldn't win. Meredith had also been throwing herself into her work, under the thought that perhaps if she saved as many lives as she could, Derek could come back. She knew it was delusional thinking, and crazy thinking, especially for a doctor, but it seemed right in her head. Maybe it was the baby. Yes, it was definitely the baby clouding her thinking.

After leaving the psychologists office she made her way to the roof, where she oftentimes found herself just needing a time out. She stood at the edge of the roof, gripping onto the side rail taking deep breaths of the cool, wet air. It was raining slightly and she could see ferry boats and she had to breathe in and out a few times. It was too much. If she could see him one last time, feel his lips against her skin, curl up with him in their bed with the kids….the one thing she had was his last voicemail to her, telling her that he was quitting the job in DC, how perfect and beautiful the day was, how much he loved her and the kids. She stared down at her iphone and brought it up to her ear to listen to the message again, tears falling from her eyes and splashing on her scrubs as the sound of his voice washed over her, instantly calming her. She knew it wasn't going to make it come back or make anything easier, but this was all she had. This message and some shirts that still smelled like him.

After she was finished work for the day, she picked Zola and Bailey up from daycare and brought them home, managing to make them dinner, something she had gotten a lot better at during the past few months. The kids were angels for her, something they had fallen into mostly of the time after the move, after Derek died. Bailey was too young to really remember Derek, but at first Zola had asked for Daddy constantly. Meredith had painfully had to explain that daddy had passed away just like her Grandmother Grey and Aunt Lexie and Uncle Mark. She was old enough to understand, and told people that Daddy lived in the sky now. It broke her heart that her five year old knew about death and that her life was marred by it, but she was also lucky enough to have a lot of aunts and uncles who loved her.

When the kids were in bed Meredith found herself in the dark living room again like always. This time however, her little girl was rolling around and kicking away in her stomach. Meredith couldn't help but smile, pressing her hands against the spots even though she could feel it internally. Her baby was kicking and moving around. Her and Dereks baby was alive and growing inside of her, she was thriving and alive. Just four more weeks and she would be viable, if Meredith's hostile uterus decided enough was enough. Baby Shepherd had to get to 24 weeks, Meredith concluded, laying down and encircling her belly with her arms. Maybe she got pregnant for a reason. She always said everything happened for a reason; maybe their second miracle baby happened for a reason. Again, she wasn't religious and didn't believe in a higher power, but maybe, just maybe, she was pregnant and this baby was supposed to be Derek reincarnated, or something. Oh god, she was losing it. She was definitely losing it.

Bargaining sucked. But it was one of the 5 stops on the road of grief, and had to happen sometime.


	7. May

May came and with it warm weather, bare feet running around on the wooden floors of the rental house, and a big round 24 week baby bump. Meredith could no longer see her feet and it was getting hard to hold Bailey, let alone wrestle him down to change his diaper. Let alone getting up from the floor from changing his diapers, standing up from the couch or chairs by herself, or really do anything with the kids.

She refused to get a nanny. She would not be Ellis Grey and have her children be taken care of by nannies. She was chugging along with her neuro fellow, while keeping up her General hours, taking a few minutes each day to put her feet up in the attendings lounge and try and take a load off her aching feet and back. She was determined to do this, juggle all three: work, children, and pregnancy. She had to, it was Derek's legacy, Derek's children, Derek's unborn child that was kicking her constantly. She welcomed it all, though, especially the kicking, knowing that a part of him lived on in not just Bailey, but in their unnamed baby girl. She was still in awe that they had managed to conceive a miracle baby, and right around the time they had decided to start trying again too. Hostile uterus be damned, there was a thriving and healthy baby in there.

Some days were better than others. Some days she could push it all away, the days she dropped Zola off for a day at kindergarten, Bailey at the hospital day care, and power through a day at work, a day full of carnage or routine surgeries.

Then there were the bad days, the horrible days, where she cried herself to sleep, where Zola asked her if she was okay, where she walked into the hospital with eyes ringed in red and avoided the glances from her co-workers. She had a past, she had a story to tell, and I certainly wasn't going to be repeated here in San Fransisco. She was here for one purpose and one purpose only: to work, to escape Seattle and Grey-Sloan. Too much had happened in her years there, too many people had been lost. She knew if/when she returned she would have her extended family back…but that was a big if, in her mind. She would rather raise her children away from the city that had taken everything from her, or at least, that was the way she felt. She knew she still had a father but they were still estranged. She wasn't even sure he knew that she had two children, that he was a grandfather to two more children than just her half-sister Molly's children. But really, that was just another thing she was running from.

Today was a typical day in her new life. Drop Zola off, drop Bailey off, round with her interns, see what surgeries she was scheduled for. It was a typical day until she saw a familiar name on the OR board. "A. Montgomery". Meredith froze completely and backed up a few steps, bumping into someone.

"I'm so sorry I was just getting to the OR…" she started, whipping around. Of course. It **had** to be Addison.

"Meredith," Addison countered with a smile, looking down at Meredith's protruding bump. Inwardly Meredith was groaning. Of all cities in America, of all hospitals in the country, of all places in the country, she had to bump right into Addison – literally.

"Addison," Meredith said curtly, forcing a smile. The two women were finally on good terms after years of shuffling back and forth, but not today – Meredith did not want to do this today, this week, or even in this lifetime.

"Funny bumping into you here. Did you and Derek relocate? He's always had a thing for ferry boats," Addison said with a smile. "And look at you! He always wanted a big family. How many kids do you guys have now?" she said.

Oh my god. She didn't know. She was completely oblivious. Meredith bit down hard on her lip and frantically grabbed her by the arm, pulling her into the nearest on-call room and shutting the door.

"No one told you? I mean we called you about Mark, but no one called you?" she said, eyes wide, hands protectively on her stomach. Addison looked alarmed and searched Meredith's face, her own face crumpling and fearing the worst. Did they get a divorce? Was she pregnant with someone else's baby?

"Tell me what? Meredith, what happened?" she said, her voice hushed as she sensed the panic in the younger woman.

"D-Derek is dead," she managed to get out, swallowing the huge lump in her throat. It was the first time she had said it outloud in five months. Five entire months had gone by without her acknowledging, outloud at least, that her husband was dead. "There was an accident. He stopped and helped 4 people get to safety, and then his car got hit by an 18 wheeler," she gulped, putting her hand on the wall to steady herself, before looking up at Addison again. "I ran after the funeral. I….I found out I was pregnant the day I unhooked him from life support. He was brought to a hospital without a trauma center. Addison, they neglected to do a head-CT. He bled out into his brain," she said, her voice barely a whisper.

In the next moment she felt arms around her as Addison broke down. The pair hadn't been married in years, but when you once had that with someone, had that connection with someone…it stayed with you, especially once you were able to re-establish a friendship with them. Meredith felt all of her walls breaking down at once and she buried her face on Addison's shoulder, letting the dam break as five months of unshed tears fell. Being the adult, being strong for Zola and Bailey was so hard, it was harder than she could ever imagine, and she was doing everything she could to keep Baby Shepherd alive in the womb that she didn't have time to cry. But here in the on-call room with Addison, here she was allowed to cry and have a break down, and be the weak person for once, as the ex wife and the widow mourned their loss.

"Oh my god, Meredith," Addison cried, pulling her tighter. The loss ached deep in the pit of her stomach. Amelia hadn't told her. None of the Shepherds had told her, not even Nancy. They had all informed her when Mark died, but no one told her when Derek died. She supposed she deserved that. "Is this your first baby?" she asked her, touching the swell of her bump.

Meredith choked, drying her eyes with the back of her hands and looked up. "This is our third," she said, pressing one of her hands against the wall, trying to steady herself. "Addison, I don't know if I can have three kids on my own. I ran from Seattle and no one knows I'm here. Except for you, now. And you won't be back in Seattle if I choose to go back," she whispered, knowing the situation she got herself into.

All Addison could do was hold the woman close. She knew nothing she could do would make anything better, nothing she could do would mend what was already done. Derek was gone and nothing was going to fix it. But Meredith had two other children and a third on the way. "I think perhaps you should consider returning to Seattle when you emotionally feel you're ready," Addison breathed, squeezing her friend's hands tightly. "I'm not saying tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. Just when you think you're emotionally prepared. You have a huge family of friends, hell you have Amelia there, you know she would want to be a part of your life forever," she said truthfully, knowing Amelia Shepherd and the force of nature she was.

Meredith knew she was right. She knew eventually she would return to Seattle and her friends there, it was just a matter of time. She needed to heal. Time heals all wounds; this was just a massive wound that needed healing and she wasn't sure how much time it would take. She missed Seattle; she was born there and all of her friends lived there, and both of her sisters. Well, sister and sister in law. But to her it was a place of death. Her mother, George, Lexie, Mark, and now Derek. The last one would hurt forever. Maybe one day the pain would be buried deep, but he would be everywhere. All around the hospital, at both houses, in the woods where she had retreated in those final days in Seattle. It was all too much.

"Why are you even here Addison?" she finally questioned, trying to ignore the rest of the conversation.

"Oh! I was called in on a consult. I was trying to find the attending's lounge, and then somebody bumped into me," she said slyly. "I won't tell anyone about the crying if you won't," she said, hugging Meredith again.

"Thanks you," Meredith said, forcing a smile. "I'm attempting to become a hot shot Neurosurgeon like our husband was," she said, suggesting a joke. It felt weird, saying 'our' husband, but you know. "I was in general, but suddenly Neuro seems like a better choice. You know, it's a beautiful day to save lives," she said with a heavy sigh. "That reminds me, I've got to get to the OR. But if you have time after your consult you should come over and meet my kids," she said, brushing past Addison on her way to the OR.

Later that day Addison stopped by Meredith's office on her way out, poking her head in. "You told me to ring if I had time?" she said with a smile. Meredith was already dressed to go home, and Addison had to guess she was at least 24-26 weeks pregnant. Meredith stood and grabbed her jacket and keys, first leading Addison down to the daycare. She disappeared inside and came out with a little blonde boy, his eyes unmistakably Derek's. "This, is Derek Bailey Shepherd," she said with a smile to Addison. "Bailey-Boo, say hi to your Aunt Addison," she grinned. Addison was in love with the boy already. He looked just like Meredith except for the eyes. Oh, those eyes. He was going to be a heart breaker. "And now we go to pick Zola up from kindergarden," she smiled, leading Addison to her car.

Once at the school she disappeared again to fetch Zola, buckling her into her seatbelt. "Zola was part of an exchange program; we brought orphans from Africa that needed surgery and Derek and I fell in love. She's been ours since before she turned one. She was born with spina bifida but has a shunt and is completely fine," she explained, peeking at Zola in the rear-view mirror. Both of her miracle children alive and well. Addison was impressed. One night stand to three children. Dark and twisty to….well, still dark and twisty, but she had a family. She had managed a life for ages with Derek.

"I have to say, I'm rather impressed. The last I saw I wasn't sure either of you would have been capable of all of this," she admitted with a small smile. "Have to admit that I have a son of my own in LA. He's around Bailey's age" she said, thinking of her boy in LA. Meredith had to smile. She knew Addison had had an abortion, and had always wanted to be a mom. Meredith had been coerced into it but ended up loving it.

The carload got back to Meredith's house and Meredith got the kids their dinner, and then after she got them ready for bed. They went down easily, which was great, and left time for Meredith and Addison to catch up in the living room about the past few years of their lives and their careers. They talked late into the night; Addison was leaving in the morning and who knew when they would see each other next? Meredith promised to keep in contact with her since she wasn't talking to anyone else.

For the first time in months, Meredith went to bed in her actual bed, and she slept through the entire night without a nightmare.

* * *

I wanted to add Addison in here and have her find out about Derek so I figured I'd pop her in having a consult at Meredith's hospital, as random as that is. I feel like it worked well the way I wrote it and I really liked how this chapter turned out! I'm used to writing narrative and not dialogue so I'm working hard on dialogue; it's worse because Meredith is mainly alone so a lot of narrative works here, but keep following and reviewing! I love feedback! Next chapter should be up in a few days :)


	8. June

June should've been a happy month. The trees and flowers were blossoming everywhere, children were out playing and dancing around, ferry boats were going back and forth in the harbor, Meredith was 28 weeks pregnant – she had a very viable baby growing in her womb. Even Zola and Bailey were running and skipping in and out of the house, around the fenced in backyard. But not Meredith Grey.

The depression had finally set in. Dark and twisty had hit her full force and she didn't know if there was any escaping it this time. She put on a brave face for the children, she pushed through work, but there was always a dark cloud hanging over her head that she couldn't push away. Most days she snapped at Zola and Bailey, then ended up clutching them to her as she sobbed hysterically. Work was even worse. She tried to throw her all into her work as a distraction, and most of the time it worked, but in the pit of her stomach she felt herself falling into the horrible footsteps of her mother. She was like a machine. Deep in her mind she knew she wasn't her mother; she loved her children and they were the only bright point in her life, but she still worried like crazy beneath her cold, hard exterior.

The kids would play in the backyard and Meredith would stand just inside the back door, watching them but not seeing, smiling but not feeling. She was numb, number than she had ever been before. She knew she should go back to the therapist, she knew she should probably even see a psychiatrist, but she didn't want to rely on a pill for her happiness, or risk the life of her baby by taking an anti-depressant or even an anti-anxiety, because boy, was her anxiety through the roof between the kids, work, and missing Derek. The first and last were constants; sometimes she thought she could live without work, but then she thought about her research, and becoming a world-class neurosurgeon, and she'd take a deep breath and remember what she was trying to fight for. Derek's legacy.

But that didn't make the depression sting any less. Luckily at work she was able to brush off her outburst of anger, rage, and tears as hormones, and step away to an on-call room to cool down, but at home it was harder to hide it from the children.

At home she waited until the kids were asleep, and she resumed her nightly routine of sitting in the living room sobbing her eyes out. Except this time it was for slightly different reasons. This time she cried because of the ache in her heart, an ache that nothing could ever fix, a gaping wound that no one could never suture up. It hurt so much and nothing could fill the void. She had tried everything. Ice cream, junk food, bad tv, trying to treat it like a bad breakup but to no avail. Meredith was stuck in a rut of depression and she couldn't get out of it.

One night as her phone rang for the umpteenth time, she sighed and checked it. It was Alex. Of course it was Alex, it was always Alex. Or the hospital. She finally answered the facetime call, angry.

"Stop calling me, I'm fine!" she shouted, ending the call right away. She debated blocking his phone number but decided against it, knowing that if he couldn't at least get through to her voicemail he'd probably hire a private investigator to find her and the kids and that was the last thing she wanted and needed at the moment.

So she let her depression consume her, and soon it started to leak into her work. Of course her performance was still impeccable, but she became known as Cruella at the hospital. Great, her second harsh nickname, and the interns didn't know that she knew they were calling her that behind her back. Not like she actually cared; a tough exterior was needed when you're a pregnant general surgeon doing a neuro fellow. If she hadn't been pregnant she would've gone through bottles and bottles of her best friend Jose Cuervo by now – and even so, she'd considered it for a second, before thinking about what Derek would've said to her had she ingested a drop of alcohol while pregnant.

This wasn't fair. This was supposed to be her happily ever after. **Their** happily ever after. He wasn't supposed to get hit by a truck, he wasn't supposed to bleed into his brain, she wasn't supposed to be a widow in her early thirties with nearly three children, she wasn't supposed to be alone in the world. She had no parents; she knew if she contacted Derek's mother she would rush out to her and be there for her, but she wasn't ready for that, not yet.

And so she stayed depressed. She had no idea how much time had passed; the days and weeks blended together. She moved through life much like she had before she and Derek had been together. Unseeing, unfeeling, going through the motions mechanically. Everything had to be routine or she felt as if she might fall off the cliff she was precariously balanced on. Sometimes she was close to telling her coworkers her story, just to get it out in the open, just to let people know everything she had endured, why she was the way she was. That only lasted a few seconds until the depression started yelling at her in her head.

" _Why on earth would you do such a stupid thing? They'll judge you, they'll think you're weak, you better just start throwing a pity party for yourself bigger than the one you're already throwing"._ So she kept her mouth shut and let the demons fight one another in her head until one day she found herself wandering into Dr. Waldorfs office again, and lowering herself onto the couch.

"Meredith," Dr. Waldorf said with a smile. "What is the occasion today?"

Meredith took a deep breath, her eyes watering already as she tried desperately not to cry but the second she opened her mouth the tears were flowing down her cheeks. But that's all she did the entire session. She couldn't seem to get the words out. Every so often she would stop, pressing her lips and hands together, trying to formulate words, but she just couldn't do it. Opening up to people wasn't her forte; she still had a hard time opening up to people who had known her for eight years let alone this woman who had only known her for several months. She had fled Seattle and the people who knew her best for Christ's sake, and was refusing to take their calls or answer their texts! God, she was a mess. When the hour was over she bolted from the therapists office, a prescription for an anti-depressant in hand; she couldn't be in the confines of those four walls anymore. She needed to cut and luckily she had a hemispherectomy in half an hour. Slipping into an on call room, she sat on the bed and took a few minutes to cool off. Her days of opening up to people were gone once again. She had felt safe with Derek and thus felt safe letting people into her life and opening up to them, but here in San Fransisco where she was all alone…she refused to get close, she refused to form a bond with anyone, and she refused to let people see her weaknesses. Especially this huge, glaring depression where she felt like there was an arrow pointing at her head saying 'look at me, look how depressed I am, I'm your regular run of the mill mental case'. Having a prescription in hand made her feel crazier than ever and she put it in the pocket of her scrub top to drop off later on.

Her surgery went well and she managed to come out of the OR on a high, picking up Bailey and Zola before returning home Zola requested pizza for dinner so they picked one up in the way, and the three of them sat around the kitchen table making small chat about their days.

"Mommy, I got to go in front of my whole class and read my favorite book for the first time!" Zola exclaimed, pizza sauce around her mouth as she grinned happily. Meredith couldn't help but smile at her big girl.

"Oh Zola, that's so exciting! I'm so proud of my big girl, what book did you read?" Meredith knew Zola could read now and she was so proud; Zola was one of the fastest learners in her kindergarden class.

"Green Eggs and Ham mommy! Can we have green eggs?" she giggled, taking another bite of her pizza. Meredith laughed, shaking her head a bit. "Maybe, Zozo, if I leave the eggs out a few days they'll turn green, but then we couldn't eat them!"

Of course Zola and Bailey both asked for more Dr. Seuss before bedtime, and once they were both in bed Meredith treated herself to a hot shower, scrubbing herself with lavender bodywash and using her usual lavender shampoo. _"Just the way Derek always loved it,"_ she thought to herself tears welling in her eyes again. After the shower she pulled on a pair of sweatpants and her old Dartmouth shirt, which was starting to get tight over her stomach, and went downstairs to make tea to calm herself down and relax with the television on in the background as she read a book.

Instead she found herself sitting in the dark once again, her hands wrapped around the mug of chamomile tea, staring off into nothing. The demons in her mind were at work, fighting it out between themselves. On the coffee table in front of her were two pill bottles, one of anti-depressants and one of anti-anxiety pills. She didn't want to take either of them despite being reassured that both were same for the baby, she didn't want to be one of those people who had to rely on medication in order to be happy. It wasn't that she condemned it, it was just she didn't want it. She had endured, she had survived. She would get through this just like every other hurdle that life had thrown at her since the day she was born. Most days for her had been a struggle but that was the Meredith Grey way. That was the dark and twisty way of life. First her mother, then the ups and downs with Thatcher, then there were the ups and downs with Derek before they got the hang of things, then there were all the sisters….just everything.

She suffered in silence all those years, drowning everything in a haze of tequila, which was the one thing she couldn't have right now.

As the house drew darker and darker as the long summer night finally faded into black, she found herself in a familiar place: curled up in a ball on the couch, weeping into a pillow so she wouldn't wake the kids. It hurt, it hurt badly. From the tip of her head to all ten of her toes, depression hurt and was consuming every fiber of her being.

Depression hurt. Meredith would never let anyone tell her it didn't again.


	9. July

July brought a heatwave to San Fransisco. At 32 weeks, Meredith was huge, uncomfortable, and couldn't stop sweating despite the air conditioning in the house and the hospital. All she wanted to do was bathe in a bath full of ice, or go swimming in an ice cold pool. Hell, the beach would be cold enough, but there was no way pregnant Meredith could manage to get two kids and herself down to the beach.

The depression had lasted longer than she had wanted it to, but Mere was glad that she hadn't needed to take either of the pills at any point. It had been tough – more like one of the more difficult things in her life – to pull herself out of the depression, but she had been able to do it. She was strong. She was a survivor. She endured. She kept repeating those three things to herself every day, every moment she felt her hard exterior cracking. She absolutely did not want to go back to that dark and twisty depressive phase, and yet part of it still clung on to her, like a leech; a parasite that was slowly sucking her life-sustaining blood supply and sending her into a cold, paralyzing void of nothingness.

She threw herself back into surgery, despite the fact that she was in her third trimester and starting to get extremely uncomfortable doing daily things. Surgery was getting harder, with her baby bump making it a bit difficult to get as close to the patient as possible but she managed somehow. The high of fixing someone's brain, of removing inoperable tumors, of giving hope where there once was none – that was what she lived for these days, Derek always on her mind. She had fallen in love with a Neuro god, and she had fallen in love with Neuro. Derek's legacy. It had to be carried on. She was only a fellow in Neuro but she already had ideas to pick up where he left off. She had all of his medical journals and hundreds of notebooks of his research, and she knew exactly what to do – it just had to wait until Baby Shepherd was born.

As the days grew hotter, Meredith grew more and more miserable. She was tired, she was pregnant, she wanted to be snuggled up to Derek with Zola and Bailey watching Zola's latest favorite movie. Instead she was pushing herself to her limits, having Braxton-Hicks contractions every few days, but she felt like wonder woman. No patient had died under her watch in weeks, and she was damn proud of that.

One day, however, the dam finally broke. The kids had been difficult that day, on one of her only days off in who knew how long, and she was at the end of her rope. All she wanted to do was scream at the top of her lungs as both children pushed her over the edge. It wasn't just a big thing, more like a million small things that just kept piling up throughout the day. By dinnertime, while Meredith was making homemade mac and cheese, the kids were whining and begging for things. Meredith was slamming around pots and pans, before finally serving herself and the kids, who of course whined that they didn't _like_ mac and cheese,and could Zola please have pizza, oh and Bailey wanted peanut butter and jelly? Meredith tried not to let how grumpy and angry at the kids she was, but as soon as they were finished she hauled them up to the bath, and quickly tucked them into bed before returning downstairs to the mess she made.

She wasn't sure of how much longer she could do this by herself. Two kids and another one coming in eight weeks, give or take. That was…a lot. More than a lot. Dammit, Derek was supposed to be here with her for this!

Their house was close to the bay and she could hear the fog horns off the ferry boats and it brought a smile to her face. She unlocked the door to the back deck which gave off a great view of the bay, where she could watch the sun setting and the ferries go back and forth. But for once this week, there was no sun, but instead grey clouds hanging slow and she smiled even more. A big, fat raindrop fell on her cheek and she looked up at the sky, longing for the clouds to open up and just wash everything away.

And that they did. Meredith stood on the deck until her clothes were clinging to her slender, pregnant form, her face tipped up to the sky with a smile. She couldn't explain it but she felt so close to Derek in this moment. The ferry boats, the rain…normally she would be depressed, curled up in her bed in a fit of misery, but she wasn't. It was almost as if the rain was cleansing, and washing away the pain and hurt of the past eight months, as if he was telling her that it was okay to live her life and be happy, because she deserved to be happy. This evening was perfect with the rain, the ferry boats a backdrop and she couldn't help the smile that spread across her face, remembering her last words to him. _"It's okay, Derek. You can go now. I love you."_ In this moment she truly felt the weight and meaning of her words. He was gone. She knew that. He wasn't going to come back. She knew that as well. The best thing she could do from this point on was to move forward, one step at a time.

It was okay if those steps were baby steps, right? That was all she could handle right now, plus she couldn't move all that fast. Baby steps. Putting one foot in front of the other every day. No looking back and dwelling on the past. She had a huge future in front of her, albeit not the one she and Derek had originally planned, but she had a future. It was up to her to make something out of it, it was up to her to become the person she wanted to be.

That night on the deck in the pouring rain, watching the ferry boats blinking in the bay, she felt something that she hadn't felt in nearly eight months. Hope.

Acceptance was the very thing that saved Meredith Grey from herself.


	10. Authors note 3

A/N:

Thank you so so so SO much for the amazing and positive reviews on this story! I honestly didn't think it would get the huge reaction it has and I'm so excited! This story personally will end when it hits New Years in Grey's-fic verse, but I'm totally game for writing a sequel to it! I had been thinking up ideas for another fic anyway and since everyone seems to love this so much and they way I write the characters, why not just keep these ones I've already developed and at least mentioned and make another story? I'm taking suggestions as to what it would be about however ;)

I know you guys want me to continue this fic for more than 12 chapters of actual fix but since it's just the missing year in her like I don't to go past December. But I WILL write a sequel! Bombard my reviews with ideas for a sequel pretty pretty please? And thanks for letting me know that reviews aren't posting!

So I have August finished and ready to post in a day or two, and I'm working on September as I write this! I'm so excited for all of this and fo you to read everything! It was heartbreaking writing this at first but just like Meredith, it got so much easier in time! And I cannot say it enough: I love that people actually like the fic, like the idea, and like my writing!

As always, keep reading and reviewing! The fact that people are reading and loving my fic is rewarding and make me happy :D


	11. August

August came with a whirlwind of cooler temperatures, rain, and smiles. With Meredith's spirits lifted she could sense a noticeable change with Zola and Bailey as well. The children seemed happier and more carefree, running around the house playing games. Meredith was on Maternity leave as she neared her 36th week and she didn't tire of watching her kids. The house they lived in was too small for a proper nursery for the baby girl in her womb; she'd fit a crib in and Bailey was still in diapers, so they could share a changing table. She felt like a crappy mom for not having the foresight to move to a bigger house for her and the three kids, one with at least four bedrooms, and she sighed, running her hands through her hair.

If Derek were here there would be a lot of things she wouldn't be screwing up right now. There would be an addition to their beautiful dream house; in a perfect world she would add a nursery onto their beautiful master suite so that their baby and any future kids they had would be close by. She wouldn't admit this out loud, but god, single parenthood was hard. She wasn't sure how some of the nurses she worked with did it, and a lot of them worked just as much as she did.

Since she had so much free time she took the kids out to see the sights of the city, glad she was able to spend so much free time with them. For Zola, it was even more convenient that school was out for the summer and she didn't start first grade until September. It was fun, really, exploring SanFran with the two kids, even though it completely exhausted her and she fell into bed every day, the kids climbing all over her at precisely 6:30 am the next day. Exhausting but fun and it made her feel better for clocking all those hours in the OR and feeling like a crap mother. It also reminded her that she wan't her mother, she wasn't Ellis. She loved her children and would do absolutely anything for her.

With her free time part of her almost wanted to visit Addison in Los Angeles. She knew she had an open invitation, and she knew the rest of the people that she worked with. But also at the same time, she didn't want to be desperate, she couldn't fly, and there was no way she was getting in a car for 6ish hours to Los Angeles. So she pushed that thought to the back of her mind.

Another thought popped up that she could return to Seattle, but that thought gripped her with such a panic that she started hyperventilating alone in her bedroom. She couldn't return to Seattle, not yet. She wasn't ready. The mere idea of returning to Seattle scared the crap out of her and racked her with such grief. It was a city of death for her, a city where she had lost almost everything.

One night she was standing in the kitchen, watching Zola boss around her baby brother, sipping a mug of hot herbal tea. That's the last thing she really remembered. The next, there was a horrible pain in her stomach, and she felt something sticky between her legs. She was down on the ground crying and the blood – there was so much blood, there was blood everywhere. She looked up at Zola, tears running down her cheeks.

"Remember those three numbers mommy taught you Zozo?" she managed to force out through the pain. Zola nodded, reaching up for the phone. Meredith tried to breathe, while also trying not to die in front of her kids. "I need you to dial them Zola and tell them where we live," she said, gasping for air. She was a doctor, she knew what was happening to her. She was 35 weeks with a hostile uterus, and extreme bleeding. It had to be a placental abruption. She laid on the kitchen floor for what felt like hours, slowly hoping that the blood loss would knock her unconscious, but she could hear the sirens in the distance, coming to their house, coming to help her and take her to the hospital.

Once they were there, Meredith managed to say to Zola that it was okay for her to open the door. The EMT's got to work on Meredith, asking her question's and taking what answers they could get, praising Zola for being a smart little girl for knowing what to do. Meredith had lost an awful lot of blood, but their portable ultrasound confirmed that the baby was okay. It also confirmed that the baby had to come out as soon as they got to the hospital, as she indeed had a placental abruption. Meredith drifted in and out of consciousness both from the blood loss and the pain meds, Zola and Bailey with her, as the ambulance sped through San Fransisco.

Everything that happened next was a blur to Meredith. She has a version of what she assumed happened, and what really happened. What she assumed happened is that the children were with a social worker for a few days while she went into surgery. What really happened is that Alex was called, as he was listed as her emergency contact. When she awoke in a hospital room, cleaner and not pregnant, he was sitting on her bed, staring at her pale form. Her eyes flickered open and she winced, ready for the onslaught.

"I had a baby", she said, her voice barely whisper, a small smile spreading across her face. She felt weak and defeated, ready to throw in the towel and ready to let her friends take care of her again. "How did you find me?" she said, looking around the room. She was in the hospital she worked in. Looking up at her IV pole, she had to wince. She was hooked up to a blood transfusion, among several other bags of things going into her body.

All Alex did was smile, reaching forward and taking her hand. "You had me listed as your emergency contact, so they gave me a call. Everyone in Seattle is relieved to know where you are. I didn't tell them what happened, though, that's your story. Your daughter is beautiful though," he grinned, rubbing his thumb on the back of her hand.

Meredith barely remembered the c-section as she had been so out of it from the pain and the blood loss, but she remembered the baby, slightly premature, being placed on her chest in the OR. "I named her Ellis, after my mother," she smiled, still slightly high from the pain medicine. "Ellis Elizabeth Shepherd," she smiled, picturing her little girl. She was 5 weeks early, but the doctors and nurses told her she was strong and a fighter; she wasn't in the NICU but rather was in the regular nursery simply because Meredith wasn't strong enough to take care of her by herself yet. "5 pounds 2 ounces and a fighter, like her parents and grandmother," she said proudly. She never thought, in her entire life, that she would proudly be talking about one of her children. Ten years ago she never wanted marriage and children; she wanted tequila and one night stands. Oh, how ten years changed a person. She had embraced married life and even motherhood, setting out to be the best mother she could possibly be while still being the best surgeon. Apparently she had been able to find a balance because three kids in, she still had a successful job.

"I'm here to bring you home, Mere," Alex said, moving closer to her. Meredith looked at him and bit her lip. "I don't know if I can," she whispered, her eyes watering. "It's so painful, I feel like…like I've lost everything and everyone I've ever loved. Like if I get too close to someone else, they'll die too, and that's terrifying to me, I can't lose anyone else," she managed to get out, swallowing a lot as she tried very hard not to cry. For her, Seattle was like a battleground. It had taken her mother, her step mother, her sister, her husband, her husbands best friend, and more. The wounds were just too deep. But she also knew her entire support system was there. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child…and she had three.

They sat in silence for a few minutes; a nurse came in to check her vitals and administer more pain medicine, and after awhile another nurse came in with the baby. Meredith was overjoyed to see Ellis, and Alex got up to pick her up, placing the small baby in her arms. Meredith smile down at her proudly, moving the swaddled blanket so that she and Alex could see her face.

"Isn't she beautiful and perfect? And look," she smiled, taking off the knit hat, to reveal a shock of black hair. There was no mistaking it, Ellis was definitely Derek's child. "Zola and Bailey have been calling her Ellie, and it's stuck. We like Ellie for her," she smiled, leaning back in the bed with the baby snuggled up to her chest. She felt happy for the first time in awhile – or maybe that was the pain meds working. Or it could've been both, or maybe even actual happiness hormones, and the pain meds. She was proud of baby Ellis, but still deeply saddened that Derek would never know their baby girl, and she would never know her father, despite growing up in a world that had reminders of him everywhere.

"Meredith you're coming home with me," Alex stated, and Meredith, looking up from cooing at Ellis, sighed a bit. Through the haze of morphine she could only nod, knowing it was best and what she needed. She couldn't run anymore. She needed her people. She needed her village for her three children.

"I'll come home with you," she conceded, knowing it would take a few more days for her in the hospital, and probably a few more weeks for her to wrap up her affairs in San Fransisco. She knew Grey-Sloan would accept her Neuro fellow easily enough and give her her job back. She'd be working with Amy, which would help a lot. Working with Derek's sister would take away a lot of the pain, she reasoned. "There's just so much to do here before I come home…and so much to do in Seattle…" she said with a sigh, laying back in the bed. Ellis wanted to feed and she let her, maneuvering her hospital gown so that the baby could get to her breast. All of her hospital-friendly clothes were back at the rental house so she was stuck in wearing hospital gowns. "Will you take Zola and Bailey back to our house tonight? I might need you to go alone at first…I um. I bleed out all over the kitchen floor," she said, turning her head to one side with a sigh.

"I know, Mere, I read your chart. You trained Zola just like your mom trained you. Your daughter is smart, she knew what to do when you asked her," he said with a smile. "But I can definitely clean up the house while Zo and Bails visit with you and Ellie, and come back for the two of them. I told Owen I'd stay with you as long as you needed me to."

Meredith sucked in a breath. She had been on her own for nearly 9 months now, so it was nice knowing that there was someone out there who cared enough about her well-being to take care of her and her little family. She wasn't stupid, she knew people _cared_ , she had just built her walls up so high that she didn't let anyone in, that she hadn't let any of her closest friends even know where she was. She and Cristina hadn't talked in over a year, not since shed left Seattle. But she still had family and friends in Seattle.

A few days passed, and finally Meredith and Ellis were allowed to go home, with Meredith on strict orders to take it easy. Taking it easy was something she wasn't used to, but it was nice to just be home with the kids, packing everything they'd accumulated over the past 8 months into boxes and containers so they could move back to Seattle. Meredith had already contacted the realtor and told him they were leaving; she promised she would pay the remainder of the year and threw in the furniture as well.

This wasn't the first time Alex Karev had saved Meredith's life.

* * *

Keep reviewing and sending me ideas for this fic and a new one!


	12. September

September arrived in a rush. The last box was loaded in the back of Meredith's SUV, and the small family of four, with Alex driving climbed inside for the long drive back to Seattle. The rest of Meredith's things that she had wanted to keep had been sent ahead to the house on Bainbridge, with Amelia waiting there to accept them and put them in the right room. No one had any idea that Meredith was coming home with another baby; she wanted it to be a surprise. And boy, it was definitely going to be a surprise, she thought with a small sigh. She made sure both Bailey and Zola had snacks, blankets, and ipads to entertain themselves with, and Ellis was snuggled under blankets and had a pacifier. They would pull over if she needed to eat, or if Meredith had to climb in the backseat and soothe her. Thus far she had proven to be an easy baby, very go-with-the-flow and not at all fussy or particular about anything, which made Meredith fall in love with her perfect baby even more. She was certainly a charmer, with her Shepherd curly black hair, and beautiful indigo blue eyes.

She was nervous to return to Seattle; she thought everyone was going to hate her and give her shit for it. When they got to the Washington State line Meredith held her breath, gazing out the window. She had forgotten how wet and green everything was, how absolutely breathtaking it was. There were still hours to go to get to Seattle and she relished in looking at all the small towns they passed by, wondering how people did it. Live in these tiny towns with not a care in the world about the big city only an hour or two away, a big city where so many things happened.

Homecoming should have been uneventful but as they pulled up to the dream house on Bainbridge Island, Meredith cringed as she spotted Amelia's car in the driveway.

"Does Amy know we're coming?" she asked him, a ball of nerves in her stomach as she looked down at her hand, still wearing her wedding and engagement rings.

Alex shook his head.

"She's been living here since you left but I figured she would be at the hospital, she's been living there all the time since everything happened, but she wanted to stay here and feel close to Derek," he said with a shrug. Meredith sighed as he parked her car and she slunked out of the front seat. Bailey and Zola were allowed to run free, but she grabbed Ellis's carseat and headed towards the front door.

"Hello? Amelia?" she called out after unlocking the front door. Amy popped out of the downstairs bathroom, looking somewhat put together, looking like she'd seen a ghost.

"Meredith, where the fuck have you been? Do you know how worried everyone has been? No one knew whether you or the kids have been dead or alive or where you were or what you were doing for nearly an entire goddamn year, how dare you just up and leave us – is that a baby?" she said, finally acknowledging Ellis in the carseat, sleeping soundly at Meredith's feet.

"Ah, yes, um, this is Ellis, or Ellie. She was a surprise, she was born at the end of August. Ellis Elizabeth Shpeherd," she said, pulling herself up a bit. Amelia couldn't help but break out into a very tearful smile, before moving forward and heading to the carseat.

"May I?" she said tearfully, looking down at the newborn. Ellis looked so much like her brother it was uncanny. Curly black hair, piercing blue eyes. She was beautiful and a heartbreaker at only a few weeks old. She wrapped her in the pink blanket that had been covering her in the car seat and rocked her gently back and forth, trying not to cry.

"He'll never know you two made someone so perfect," Amelia said quietly, now walking the length of the immaculate living room, enjoying the perfectness of her new niece. She was enamored with the baby and never wanted to put her down. She was living proof that Derek Shepherd had left behind his life and his legacy when he passed on. "When did you find out you were pregnant Mere?" she questioned, looking at her sister in law.

Meredith had started taking inventory of the house, what she needed to buy and stock up on, and she turned around, tucking her dirty blonde hair behind her ears.

"Ummm the night he died," she said, ducking her head shamefully. She hadn't wanted anyone else to know, she hadn't wanted to share the joy in the time of heartache. At the time she didn't even know if she was going to keep the baby but eventually she knew she had to. She couldn't get rid of the last living and breathing thing she had of Derek. And right now, as she watched Amelia snuggling the last living proof of Derek, she couldn't believe she almost considered having an abortion.

"She's a good baby…only fussy when she needs to be changed or is hungry. Otherwise she just will lay in your arms, or the swing, and sleep forever, just like her father," Meredith remarked, smiling warmly at Ellie as she and Alex brought bags and boxes inside the house and put them in their designated rooms. Zola and Bailey were in the backyard playing on their swingset and slide, and already familiarity was coming back. This was her house, this was where she was meant to be.

As she walked into her bedroom she was hit with a huge wave of Derek. Clothes on the floor and hanging out of drawers, his things littering his dresser and night table, medical journals stacked a mile high. She stood in the doorway with one of her boxes of clothes and took a deep breath. She hadn't been in this room since January. Nine months ago. It felt like an entire lifetime ago since she had been in Seattle but it hadn't been too long. Long enough, though. Long enough for the clothes on the floor to lose Derek's scent.

She stepped into the room and placed the box on the floor next to the bed, grabbing an empty laundry basket from a corner of the room and started gathering up the dirty laundry, both his and hers. Each time she picked up one of his shirts she smelled it and she couldn't help but smile. They smelled faintly of him and she sighed. She knew if anyone were to walk in they would think she was a nutcase but really, she was just making sure she didn't forget what Derek smelled like. Not like she would anytime soon; his drawers were filled to the brim with clothes.

She continued her way around the bedroom and headed into the bathroom, snatching panties off the floor and sighing, knowing there would never be moments like that again, with the stripping of the clothes, Derek pressing her up against the wall as she giggled like crazy….

She snapped out of it with a sigh, moving into Zola and Bailey's rooms and grabbing their laundry, before going downstairs and starting the wash. By this point she heard other voices besides Alex and Amelia in the house, and once she finished separating everything into the washer, she made her way into the living room.

Maggie was here. Maggie as in her other half sister she didn't know she had and she swallowed. She liked Maggie, she liked her a lot. She was an awesome little sister to have, she was a complete genius to boot just like their mother had been. And she was here right now.

"Maggie!" Meredith smiled, reaching towards her sister and holding her tightly.

"Mere! Alex called and said you were back and I had to rush over and see you! Oh my gosh you had a baby? She's like, literally the spitting image of Derek," Maggie grinned, holding onto Meredith as long as she could, as if she would disappear again,

"I'm definitely back," Mere said, guiding Maggie over to Amelia, who was holding her daughter. "Maggie, meet baby Ellis," she smiling, her eyes shining. She knew Maggie would like the homage to their late mother.

"Ohhhh Mere she's gorgeous," Maggie grinned, gently taking her niece from Amelia and looking down at the three week old. She was brand new, no one had ever hurt her yet, she hadn't been touched by the evils of the world, except for the fact that she had been robbed from her knowing her father.

Except that she would absolutely know her father. She would grow up roaming the hospital halls with her older brother and sister, the prince and princesses of Grey-Sloan, watching their mother and aunts and uncles in the galleries, getting chased out by nurses and the chief, and they would all tell the trio stories of their father and how he saved hundreds of peoples lives, and of his love for scotch and ferryboats.

Meredith smiled at the exchange and looked between the two women. By now Jackson had showed up and was bringing things into the house with Alex, and Mere was looking between her two sisters still.

"You guys should live here with me," she blurted out, biting down on her lip. "I mean…I have three kids, I have no idea what the hell to do with three kids, and you two are the only biological family I have. Move in with me. We'll be the twisted sisters," she said with a grin and a cock of her head. Maggie and Amelia looked at each other and then at Meredith.

"Let's do this ladies!"

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 **As always, read and review! I think after this story I'm going to write an AU where Derek didn't die after the accident, but not so sure yet. Still accepting ideas!**


	13. October

October was full of new beginnings. It meant leaves falling off the trees, rainstorms, cozy nights with the fireplace on and a Disney movie for the kids until they went to sleep. Then it meant something R-rated and a bottle of wine for the twisted sisters. They'd fallen into a nice pattern, the three women, co-parenting the three children pretty well. Ellis was still young enough to be in Meredith's room, so it was really just the other two that were a challenge.

Meredith had returned to work at Grey-Sloan, and she was tougher than ever. She had been welcomed with open arms, and no one had pried on her or bothered her or asked here where she'd been. They knew she would tell them when she was ready, and she wasn't ready. She wasn't sure she'd ever be ready. She'd lost her husband, found out she was pregnant, ran away, and almost died in childbirth for the second time. Too much trauma for one person in their early thirties.

Everything was different it seemed. April and Jackson were done. Callie was dating other people. Bailey was chief. Everything in the hospital was upside down. Meredith was continuing her fellowship in Neuro, this time under Amelia, which was much more fun. Amelia, much like Derek, liked to take risks. She operated on the unoperable, she cured the uncurable. She gave hope where there once was none. That was exactly what Meredith hoped to do once she was done the fellow and became a full-fledged Neuro attending. In the back of her head she knew she had the chance to become head of Neurosurgery one day, since Amelia never completed her own fellowship, but she kept that to herself.

Amelia worked her hard but she didn't mind at all. This was something she was passionate about, something she wanted badly, something she was throwing her all into. She needed this. She loved the high of cutting into a brain. As Derek had once said, she had no idea why people did drugs when she simply got high from performing surgery.

She still had hundreds of her mothers diaries; Maggie had read all of them while she had been gone. More importantly, she had Dereks journals, plus the medical journals, plus the notebooks he'd scribble in at night. He would come up with ideas in the middle of the night, turning the light on and waking her up as he came up with a brilliant idea to save the human race or something.

She still wanted to cure Alzheimer's. There were so many journals about that among Dereks things. Curing Alzheimer's for when Meredith grew old and couldn't remember his name. His brain mapping program that had taken him to DC. She wanted to continue that but definitely did not want to go to DC to continue it. Their clinical trial from years ago was already saving lives everywhere. Everything was supposed to have been done together, or at least done by Derek. Meredith knew she would have to figure it out on her own but she was sure that she could.

Derek was everywhere in the hospital. He was in the attendings lounge, he was in the scrub room, he was in the OR, he was on the catwalk, he was in each and every on-call room. Supply closets became rooms to hide in to cry again; MRI and CT came with so many memories it hurt. She would not be the broken widow. She had mourned, she had gone through her stages of grief. That was until Bailey placed a key in her hand.

"What's this?" she asked, biting on her lip.

"Derek's office," Bailey said quietly. "No one wanted to touch it," she said, giving Meredith a hug.

Meredith didn't wait for the elevator. She ran upstairs, pushing past people on the catwalk to get to his office, unlocking the door and stepping inside. Bookshelves lined the walls, filled with more medical journals, more of his own journals with research and ideas for cures for diseases of the brain. More importantly, the walls were also lines with pictures of him, Meredith, and Zola and Bailey. Some were older, with just him and Meredith, but there were newer ones with the kids, some that were just a few weeks before he died. She sighed heavily and stepped into the room. She knew she had to pack it up; another attending would need it. But not today. Definitely not today.

Walking the halls without him running to catch up with her was hard enough. She didn't giggle anymore. There was no Derek to make her giggle, to make suggestive comments at her, to page her to an on call room. This was why she'd left Seattle. There was nothing for her here, she thought, tears filling her eyes. Sure she had her extended family, but the depressive ache in her chest was back and it hurt so badly again.

Meredith thought back to the day that they had lost Zola. Back then, that had been one of the worst days of her life. She had thought that she and Derek wouldn't make it through that, and it had been pretty touch and go for awhile. But then one night Janet had showed up at their front door with their beautiful baby girl who was now almost 6 years old. When they adopted her she hadn't even learned how to walk yet. Bailey was another story. She had almost died during a superstorm giving birth to Bailey, and he was going to be three soon enough. And now her beautiful baby Ellie, with her soft black baby curls that looked just like daddys….thinking back made her smile. She had taken her one night stand to a family of nearly five.

She was quite a bossy six year old at that. She couldn't decide on what she wanted to be for Halloween and kept her mother and aunts very busy in the Disney store, baby Ellie secure in her sling, close to her mother, while Bailey ran around with his chosen costume – Captain America. Zola, however, wanted to be ALL of the princesses.

"Zozo, honey, you can't be all the princesses at once," Mereith mused, playing with her daughters braids. Not unless Meredith found some way to Frankenstein all the costumes into one. But she wasn't going to mention that to Zola. Zola huffed and puffed in front of all the pretty princess costumes and scrunched up her nose, something that was very Meredith of her, even if they weren't biologically related. "I think, mommy, that I want to be Princess Anna," she finally decided. Meredith sighed out of relief and looked at Amy and Maggie, and picked out the costume and accessories in her daughters size. Were girls always this difficult? The answer was yes. Girls were most certainly difficult, as she had learned from her sisters in law and her mother in law. Boys were a walk in the park but girls were a nightmare and Meredith was mother to two of them.

Getting back to the rhythm of Grey-Sloan had been difficult, as some things had changed, but once she figured it out (really, it only took her an hour to figure out new protocols) it was a walk in the park. Everything was familiar and it was lovely.

On her first day back , her breath had caught in her throat when she found Derek's lab coat hung up on a peg, his ferryboat scrubcap tucked into a pocket. She had made a beeline for it, tying it around her head for her first surgery back at Grey-Sloan. It was a routine appendectomy which she felt confident about, but her friends flocked to the gallery anyway, She looked up at them, smiling behind her mask as she took a deep breath.

"It's a beautiful day to save lives, let's have some fun."

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Remember to read and review! This story comes to a close in two more chapters but I've already written the first chapter to a new story, which i'll post in a few days once i've figured out a name for it :) If you want to catch it when it goes up, choose follow author! I'll also remind you here when it goes up. Thanks!


	14. November

November came in like an old friend. Gusty winds, even more rain, leaves sticking to everything. Meredith embraced it with a smile. Everything was back to her old routine. Wake up in the morning, have some quiet time with Ellie as she breastfed her in bed, just the two of them with Meredith talking to her. Then she woke up Zola and Bailey, getting them dressed and ready for school and daycare, bringing them downstairs for breakfast, which may or may not be already in the works by Maggie or Amelia.

Today it was Amelia, making waffles, and Meredith smiled gratefully at her as Zola climbed onto a chair and Bailey climbed into his booster seat.

"Mommy can I have strawberries on my waffle?" Zola asked, and Meredith had to laugh. She was somewhat of a health nut like Derek had been. "Of course you can, Zo, you can have whatever you want on your waffles," she said as she placed Ellis in the swing, which seemed to be magical since whenever you put her in it she instantly stopped crying. Meredith went into mommy mode and started cutting up waffles for the kids, before taking one for herself and digging in, loving that both her sisters had culinary skills she did not, especially since it was nearing Thanksgiving.

"So, Amelia, what should we do for Thanksgiving? I almost want to have it here, we've never done anything in this house, I mean we have this huge house with so much space, we can invite everyone from the hospital, I can pretend to cook, we can pretend to be thankful for things…." She shrugged, her eyes looking hopeful.

Amelia whirled around as she went to put the milk back in the fridge, her black hair flying. "I actually think that's a great idea, Mere, Maggie and I can cook and people can bring side dishes and it'll be fun," she said with a smile. Hey, what could it hurt? It would be nice to have people around that weren't the three sisters or the three kids.

"Great! I'll spread it around at the hospital, invite people, be super organized and post a list of what people are bringing….oh god mommy Meredith is showing," she said with a laugh, which was becoming less rare these days and more and more common. She was healing, which was a great thing. "Anyway, yeah, we'll pull in the strays and have a nice Thanksgiving," she smiled, kissing Zola's head as the little girl finished her waffle and went off to grab her shoes. Meredith helped Bailey into his shoes and coat, handing him his backpack, making sure Zola was in her coat and had her backpack as well. "Okay guys, who's coming with me to school and the hospital?" she asked. Since returning to Seattle she'd traded her old car in for a flashy BMW with three rows of seats. That meant Amelia or Maggie had to flank Ellis's carseat, but they didn't complain, with Zola and Bailey in the back row. Both sisters grabbed coffee and their coats, dashing outside to battle it out for the front seat.

Amelia won today.

* * *

Thanksgiving finally came, and the house was spotless. Meredith had set the table with her wedding china, silver, and wineglasses, making good use out of them finally. The table looked great and the turkey had been in the over for hours already by 11 am, done by Maggie of course. Pies were in there as well and the entire house smelled heavenly. Nutmeg, pumpkin, cinnamon, and the turkey in the oven all combined and Meredith was starving. Dinner wasn't until 3. Zola was in a pretty little dress with Bailey in a cute button down and khakis, with her heartbreaker of an infant in an adorable confection of tulle, doing what she did best, sleep in her swing.

Mere lounged around most of the morning with mimosas and various parades on the TV, having been chased out of the kitchen several times. Her cooking skills were useless if people we're actually going to eat the food, at least today. She could scrape by with food for her and the kids, but pizza and grilled cheese were still her go-tos. Good thing kids liked pizza and grilled cheese. When it came close to people coming over, she trudged up to her room to find something to wear. Sifting through her closet she found an old red dress of hers and she shimmied into it, strapping on her trusty Jimmy Choos that Derek had bought her for a date night years ago, back when she was an intern. Her short hair fell to her shoulders in soft waves and she curled up her nose. She didn't feel thankful for much this year, besides her children and her friends, but she supposed that was enough. Finishing up her makeup with a bit of mascara, she traipsed back downstairs, where the first guests were arriving.

The first guest was Owen, who slunk off somewhere with Amelia, probably her bedroom, but he'd brought a nice bottle of wine and something to eat, so Maggie and Meredith didn't mind all that much. Meredith had begged her sister to let her make something, and she was given the task of making an apple pie. Despite already being dressed, Meredith literally put her blood, sweat, and tears into this pie. When it was finished, the sprinkled the apples inside with cinnamon, before putting the top crust on and cutting an 'M' for Meredith into the top. She was proud of her work and popped it into the oven just as the doorbell rang again. She rushed to the door, finding Jo and Alex and she smiled, hugging them both and ushering them in. Wash, rinse, repeat, and within an hour or two everyone was there that needed to be and in no time at all, they were sitting down to dinner. Maggie insisted that everyone go around the table and share what they were thankful for this year, and Meredith found it hard not to punch her younger sister in the face. She didn't want to sit here and blab nonsense when she didn't feel thankful for much. Her husband died this year. Her children's father was gone. Ellis was never going to meet him. She sighed, halfheartedly listening and looking down at her hands as she nervously played with her rings. Callie leaned over, tugging on her sleeve. "Grey, we don't expect you to throw up your hands in some grand gesture of thankfulness," she whispered, as Meredith took a long drink of her wine. She hung her head a bit longer, as Zola answered brightly that she was thankful for her aunt Maggie always making her waffles, and she had to laugh at that. She was up next, though.

She took a few deep breaths, trying not to cry. "I'm thankful for my three beautiful child, and each and every one of you sitting at this table," she said tearfully, before hiding behind her large glass of wine again. Everyone gave her a moment of silence before moving onto the next person, and Meredith excused herself from the table to sit on the bathroom floor and cry. She figured that they'd only realize something was up when she didn't come back after a few minutes.

She found herself hiding in Derek's closet; behind his pants. It was a new hiding place for her and it would take them a bit to find her but she was comforted by the fact that it smelled just like him. Today she was thankful that his closet still smelled like him. Today she was thankful for not having a full meltdown in front of her children. Today she was thankful she was alive, though sometimes she selfishly wished she was dead in his place. Or they had gone together. These thoughts plagued her at night, they kept her awake. They made her feel like she was going of the deep end almost all the time. Which, you know, she probably was.

She was hiding for maybe 20 minutes when she heard the door open and someone came in. That someone sat right down next to her and Meredith was startled, curling up into even more of a ball. It was Amelia. Of course it was Amelia. She started talking almost right away. "I don't know how I can sit there downstairs with everyone happy and thankful when I feel thankful for absolutely nothing other than Owen and you and the kids. Everyone is thankful for their families and all this great stuff and the one person I am thankful for is six feet under," she said, expressing exactly how Meredith was feeling. Meredith reached out and slipped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her close. This was not a holiday for someone who had lost someone close to them. "If I'd had my way it would be you and me sitting around with a pizza right now," she confessed, shaking her head a bit. She felt cold while the house was arm and she took a few breaths of air, of the air permeated by Derek's scent. Drowning in Elliott Bay didn't hurt as bad as this did.

The two women sat in the closet for at least an hour, listening to the chatter downstairs. They were all so happy and peppy and Meredith was so…dark and twisty, for lack of better wording. And then she realized Bailey, Ellie, and Zola were down there and she dropped her arms from Amelia. "Amy, come on. We can't hide in Derek's closet every time we want to run and cry," she insisted, climbing out and standing up, despite the fact that she wanted to wrap herself in one of his shirts, climb into bed, and forget that the world existed. She held out a hand to Amy who stood up next to her and the two women hugged tightly, before heading back downstairs. Meredith apologized to everyone, saying she needed a bit of time away, before heading over to the swing, where Ellie perpetually seemed to be. She swept up the tiny baby in her arms, looking down on her sweet face. She was the happiest baby alive and her existence made Meredith delirious with joy. Maybe she was thankful for a few more thinks, now that she set her mind to it. Right now, she was thankful for her tiny daughter, and the smiles that had just started appearing on her face in the past few weeks. She was thankful for Zola and Bailey, who had kept her company when no one else would.

She was most thankful for the years she had been able to have with Derek. There would be no one else, of course, but she had the memories of laughter and joy with Derek that would be there forever.

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 **Thank you so much for all the reviews! They make me so happy, even though they're being a pain and aren't posting on time! I keep re-reading them over and over and I'm so thrilled! This isn't my first fanfic, but my first in about ten years; I also roleplay and love to write so I feel like I could write forever! Most of these chapters seem short but they reach 5 pages in word :) I decided to extend this story one more chapter, adding in another January chapter since that would technically be a full year. So you guys get two more chapters after this!**

 **To Patsy: I've already started my next story! it's MerDer, he lives from the accident, and it shows them moving forward with baby Ellis :) I might give it a sequel or include another baby in the story; I only have two chapters completed so far. I'm not going to post it until I post the last chapter of this story, but I love your amazing and enthusiastic reviews!**


	15. December

December arrived with a whirl and a chill that caught you if you stopped still for even a second outside. It was an unusually cold winter, Meredith had to concede, and of course Derek would've loved it. Scarves, wool coats, and snow flurries every other day. She distinctly remembered kissing him in the woods in such weather. A smile crept onto her face as she thought about it. She had progressed that much. Smiles and not tears. However she couldn't remember a winter so cold and icy, at least not so early on in the season, and she had to admit she liked it, or perhaps that was just her cold and icy heart not wanting to pay attention to carolers or Christmas decorations going up in the hospital. It had nearly been a year with Derek gone, and while she and the kids were getting along fine, she still had her moments of struggle.

It was Amelia who suggested the dinner party, the mid-December get together for everyone from the hospital. Someone else could do the cooking, Meredith could host, and Maggie could help. It sounded okay, Meredith made sure the liquor was stocked and there was plenty of seltzer for Webber and Amelia, and then suddenly it became about Callie's new girlfriend, who Arizona was strangely excited to meet. Meredith didn't know where the excitement came from but she was happy that Arizona was able to move on and be happy for her ex wife. For her, it was one husband and she was done. The orgasm train was done, as she had told Amelia and Maggie a few weeks ago. Bailey and Zola were running the house while Meredith set the dining room table, with a few extra leaves added in and fold up chairs pushed up to. At least she was getting use out of her wedding china, silver, and crystal, she reasoned, and her daughters could battle it out years from now over who wanted what. She snuck a quick smile at the thought before starting to fold cloth napkins. Since when did they have cloth napkins? She sighed. Products of a wedding shower that Lizzie and Kate had thrown for her years ago, no doubt.

Everyone who didn't need to knock was already here, so that left one person who knocked on the door. Really, she didn't need to knock as she belonged at the house just like everyone else, but Meredith knew she was doing it just to show off her new girlfriend. Meredith wiped her hands on the apron she had been wearing, only to hang it up on a peg in the kitchen and clacked over to the front door, her heels loudly sounding on the stones. She took a deep breath and first saw Callie.

"Hi Meredith! I hope I'm not late, we brought a bottle of wine, I know your passion is tequila but I figured this was classier. Oh! This is Penny." Callie grinned, gesturing to the woman beside her. Meredith looked, and then wished she hadn't. If she hadn't, then the entire year wouldn't be flashing before her eyes, and she wouldn't have felt like someone had punched her in the gut. But she was Meredith Grey. She had survived. She was strong. She had endured. She shook off the feeling of wanting to punch Penny in the face and gracefully shook her hand. "Hello Penny," she said with a smile, before stepping inside. "Come in ladies, it's freezing outside," she said, chills running down her spine. She was positive it had nothing to do with the weather. Meredith slammed the door behind them and groaned, before heading to the kitchen, getting out one of her largest wine glasses, and filling it to the top. Arizona was watching her and she turned her head. "What? It's been a long day, the kids are asleep. I deserve this Arizona," she said, tipping her head back and taking a long drink, wishing she had thought to buy some tequila.

Everyone in the entire house was praising Penny and oohing and awing over her, and Meredith wanted to kill herself. Or them. She wasn't sure which at this point, as she started on her second large glass of wine. Alex kept catching her eye, trying to figure out what was going on in his friends head, but she didn't want to talk about it. This was their night away from the hospital, somehow all of them had managed it, and she wasn't about to screw it up.

"Dinners ready!" Amelia announced, and they all crowded around Meredith's huge dinner table. Of course she had to get stuck near Penny, and she refilled her wine glass another time, far past tipsy and on her way to drunkville. The dinner was going well until Penny spoke up, and Bailey mentioned that she was interviewing Penny. That alone didn't sit well with Meredith at all. Jackson asked Penny where she used to work, and finally Meredith couldn't handle it anymore. "She used to work at Dillard," she slurred, slamming her fork down on the table. "Perfect Penny worked at Dillard, where Derek died. Perfect Penny killed my husband."

The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Amelia looked down the table in horror, tears forming in her eyes. "You – you're the incompetent person who let my brother die," she started, before Owen got up and grabbed her, leading her off to her bedroom to cry it out. Meredith shoved her chair back from the table and stormed upstairs to her bedroom, where she knew she had tequila hidden from the kids for emergencies like this. Maggie was at the hospital for a UTI or something, so Alex followed her. The rest of the table just stared at Penny.

By the time Alex had picked the lock on Meredith's bedroom door, she was ¼ of the way into the bottle of tequila and staring straight ahead, glassy eyed. She had been so proud of herself, for overcoming everything in the past year, and now, it was all unraveling downstairs in the form of freaking Penny. She felt a shadow on her and looked up, clutching the tequila to her, her Jimmy Choo's tossed aside. "She killed my husband Alex. They didn't do a head CT and it killed him," she whispered, leaning back against the dresser. Derek's dresser.

In the next moment, the door flew open and a screaming Amelia was upon them. "How dare you Meredith!" she screamed, so tiny and yet so powerful and so full of rage. "You let me hug her, you let me laugh with her, you let me tell her stories about my older brother that she fucking killed? How dare you, you had no right to do that." Meredith looked up in surprise at Amelia. She knew she had a temper, she was very much like Derek in that sense, and she stood up, her blood boiling.

"You know what? You don't get to do this Amy. I have three kids that I have to be strong for, so you don't get to do this. Not tonight," she said, staring her sister-in-law in the face. Amelia looked shocked that she'd fought back so she backed down, but she was still covered in sweat and her hair and makeup were messed up from the fit of rage she'd had in her bedroom with Owen watching her. Satisfied, Meredith sat on the bed and continued drinking her tequila.

Penny started work the following Monday under the servicing of the head of General Surgery. Meredith knew that once, that would've been her, but she was almost finished her neuro fellow and thankfully wouldn't have to be her teacher.

* * *

The day after the disastrous dinner party was dark and stormy. Meredith asked Maggie to watch the kids for a few hours; there was something she wanted, no, needed to do. Throwing on something cute, she managed to tame her hair and grabbed her coat and an umbrella and drove to the graveyard. While her mother had wanted to be cremated, Derek had chosen to be buried. He had wanted Meredith and their kids all with him when he passed. She turned into the cemetery, trying to remember what row he was in. She thought she found it and climbed out of the car, popping open her umbrella and started to walk, until she found the right plot. It had become a bit messy and overgrown since she'd last been here, so the first thing she did was crouch down in the rain and clean up the overgrowth. She placed flowers at the base of the headstone, simply looking down in complete silence. In San Francisco when she wanted to speak to Derek she simply spoke outloud; now that she was in Seattle again she could simply come to his grave. How morbid.

She sighed, tracing her fingers atop the curve on the headstone. Facing it head-on was what was best. She didn't want to break down, but tissues were in her pocket just the same.

"Oh Derek," she whispered, the words stuck in her throat. "We have such a beautiful little girl…she looks just like you. Mom and your sisters are coming in a few days, they're meeting her for the first time, they're all so excited to meet the last Shepherd baby," she said with a tiny smile. "We did it. We had our perfect life. We had the jobs, we had the kids, we had the dream house. We had it all Derek and it was beautiful," she choked out, the tears inevitably falling down her cheeks. "You would be so proud of the four of us. Me, Zola, Bailey, and Ellis. Your wife and three kids. You'd show off pictures of us to everyone who would listen. I know you would because you wanted them all so badly. You wanted them so badly that you convinced me, child of darkness, that I wanted marriage and kids. And I did, and I loved it so much. And you know, I decided, I'm not going to get married again, or date again. You were the love of my life and nothing will ever replace you. No man can ever replace you. So I'm going to be that old widow in the nursing home with Alzheimer's, reliving my residency and my relationship with you. And that's okay. Because in some sense, I'll be with you, however twisted it is," she said, taking a deep breath. "I love you so much. You're still everywhere I turn and it hurts. I wish someone could tell me if the pain got better. I think I told myself for so long that it was better that I was convinced I was okay. But then I got back here, and with everyone around me, I was suddenly not okay. Why did you leave me Derek? Why did you die?" she said, standing there in the rain, sobbing for what she felt like was hours and hours. She was only interrupted by a text from Amelia, who wanted to know if she was okay. She quickly texted back that she was fine, and she'd be home soon. "I love you Derek," she said, before stepping away and getting back in the car, returning to their perfect dream house.

* * *

It was Christmastime now, and for a change, Seattle was covered under a blanket of snow instead of the relentless rain. Carolyn and the rest of her daughters were staying with Amelia and Meredith, and the two women had the entire day to get the house decorated and cleaned. The men had helped them get a huge Christmas tree into a corner of their living room, which now had presents all around it. Maggie was baking everything she could – pies, cookies, muffins – to feed the horde that was coming. It wasn't just Carolyn, Lizzie, Kathleen, and Nancy. It was their husbands and kids, too. Meredith was thankful Derek had built them a huge house. Maggie was going to sleep with her, since Amelia didn't mind if some of her nieces and nephews bunked with her, and some of the younger kids were looking forward to sleepovers with Bailey and Zola. Everyone was thrilled to meet baby Ellie, who now liked to try and pull herself up sitting. She didn't stay there, really, instead falling over giggling, but Meredith was proud of her four month old and in infectious laugh.

She could hear cars pulling up outside and she looked in a mirror, quickly fluffing up her hair before opening up the door and smiling as the Shepherd brood stood outside. She knew, even though Derek was dead, that she would always be a Shepherd woman. Carolyn was the first out of the car and she swept Meredith up in a tight embrace. "Hello darling," she said to her, holding her close. It had been almost a year since the two saw each other; it had been Derek's funeral. Not a happy occasion. Christmas however was a happy occasion. "Hi mom," she smiled, calling her the name she insisted Meredith call her. "Come inside and meet your newest granddaughter," she smiled, leading her to the swing that was set up in the giant, and also immaculate, living room. Ellie was dressed in a festive Christmas onesie, a little red knit hat on her head, a blanket covering her as she swung back and forth, happy and content to sleep forever, although that was about to change with all her cousins coming into the house. "She looks just like him" Carolyn murmured, pulling Meredith to her side. "You've made him proud Mere," she said, and kissed her cheek, before leaving to go help her children with suitcases and such.

Before long, it seemed like Ellie had been passed around to every aunt and uncle, and every older cousin, before she was back in Meredith's arms. Everyone was charmed by her and agreed that she was just like Derek. Taking her into the nursery to put her down for a nap, Mere started changing her diaper with a smile on her face.

"You hear that? You look just like your daddy, little princess," she smiled, poking her nose so the baby giggled. She loved baby giggles, they made her so happy. It sobered her slightly, knowing that this was her last baby, the last time she got to do all of these happy milestones with one. A widow for the rest of her life. She was perfectly content with that. She tucked Ellie into a sleep sack and lay her in the crib, before joining the adults in the kitchen and living room. She felt warm and happy and loved, and she knew it came from being around Derek's family. Zola and Bailey were happily playing with their younger cousins, who they'd only met a few times, Carolyn was in the kitchen getting to know Maggie, Amelia was being teased by Nancy, and Meredith felt like she was finally home.

* * *

Christmas had been a piece of cake. Surrounded by the Shepherds, Meredith had felt so much love. She knew that everyone else be damned, she was Meredith Shepherd and she had an amazing support system. It was New Years Eve now, and again the doctors had managed to all be off at the same time. Meredith had even invited Addison and Jake out, and they were staying at her house; Henry quickly had formed a bond with Bailey and the two were best friends.

Per tradition, the Grey-Sloan crew decided to spend New Years at Joe's. Meredith threw on a very sexy black dress, sheer black panty hose, and that one pair of Jimmy Choo's that Derek loved on her because they made her legs look even longer. She, Amelia, Maggie, Addison, and Jake arrived at the bar around 11 and started drinking, with seltzer for Amelia, and the huge group just pushed a few tables together so they could all be together. Alex called for tequila shots close to midnight and Meredith had to laugh, shaking her head a bit. As they arrived and each person has their shot, they al raised it in the air and leaned their arms in so that their shot glasses were clinking together.

"What are we toasting?" Jackson said, as the timing started counting down from ten. Numerous things were called out but it was Meredith's that was heard.

"To Derek Shepherd!" she called out, and everyone looked at each other with a smile.

"To Derek Shepherd!" they all repeated, throwing back their tequila. Meredith closed her eyes and looked over at the seats where she and Derek had met with a smile.

* * *

 **Only one more chapter, guys! Thank you for sticking with the fic! When the last chapter is posted, I'll upload the first chapter of the new fic :) Still trying to figure out a name for that one. Keep reading and reviewing! I love all your reviews!**


	16. One Year Later

It was January again. Derek had been gone an entire year. Sometimes if Meredith sat back and truly thought about it she could feel her perfectly positioned world falling apart. So she tried not to think about it. She had a six year old, a three year old, and a five month old to be there for and it was better not actively thinking about it.

But at night, she thought about it. She thought about how his dresser was still filled with his clothes, the top barely untouched. His closet was filled with untouched clothes, perfectly ironed shirts and dry cleaned suits. His wedding ring sat at her nightstand; it was the first thing she saw when she went to sleep and the last thing she saw when she went to bed. She was considering putting it on a chain – no, not considering, more like had dragged Amelia and Maggie to every jewelry shop the three sisters could find, but she couldn't find a good enough chain for the plain platinum band that had Meredith's full name – Meredith Elizabeth Shepherd – and their wedding day – not the courthouse wedding but the big wedding they'd thrown on their land later that summer, with his family there to watch – and so the ring stayed on her nightstand, letting her stare at it. She had considered wearing the ring, but Derek's hands were huge compared to hers. She smiled, remembering the time he called her hands tiny and ineffectual.

She woke up this morning, the day of Derek's death, and stretched in her bed, gazing out the window out onto their backyard, which offered a view of the lake. It had frozen over during the night and a few inches of snow had fallen, which made Meredith smile. Unpredictable Seattle weather. The day Derek had died last year, in the middle of January, had been warm and sunny, not a cloud in the sky. She could hear Ellie crying over the baby monitor and she sighed, slipping her cold feet into slippers and shuffling down the hall to the nursery. Peeking into the baby's room, she could see the poor girl kicking her legs and yelling. Definitely Derek's child, head to toe, loud yelling voice and all. "Alright baby girl," she cooed, stepping inside the warm nursery and scooping her out of her crib, plastering her with kisses. This time last year, Ellie was just a little shoop shoop on an ultrasound machine, a tiny little bean. Their bean. She changed the little girls diaper, before settling into the pink rocker that sat in the corner. Upon returning to Seattle last year, she and Maggie had gone all out to decorate Ellie's nursery together. Lifting up her shirt, foregoing anything private, she gently let Ellie find her breast, before sitting back and closing her eyes, listening as the household gently waking up. She already knew that Zola wouldn't have school; Seattle closed school for snow flurries, which made her giggle a bit, having grown up in Boston where you could get three feet of snow and they'd make you come in as if your entire life depended on it, and Ellis Grey had always forced her to go. Rocking back in the chair, she smiled down at her daughter and rubbed her back gently. She smelled like baby shampoo, lotion, and, well, breast milk. It was one of those scents Meredith would never grow old of, and she was glad her daughter would be young for awhile. She could hear Zola climbing out of bed and running to the window in the next room, before running to find her aunt Maggie. But everyone in the house knew that 5:30 AM was Meredith and Ellie time.

Eventually Meredith and Ellis joined the rest of the house in the kitchen, where the baby was plopped into a high chair. "I'm staying home with the kids today," she announced, and Maggie and Amelia exchanged glances. "I, uh, ah, I took today off too," Amelia admitted, looking down at the pan of scrambled eggs she was making for the house. Derek had been her brother, he had been her entire world. Maybe in a different way than he had been Meredith's entire world, but she had idolized the man, even becoming a neurosurgeon to impress him. At this point, Meredith herself was a Neuro attending, having done a year of hard work, and she was confident that the things she was doing were things he would have been happy about.

Maggie looked between Meredith and Amelia and bit her lip. The hospital was down both Drs. Shepherd, their two top neurosurgeons. And Bailey had allowed this. Well, of course, it was the anniversary of Derek's death.

"I don't know what I'm going to do today but I can't do any surgery," Meredith said, feeding Ellis some sort of fruit. All she knew is that Maggie had pureed it and she was feeding it to her daughter. Ellie luckily wasn't putting up a fight this morning and was eating whatever was being spooned into her mouth. Maggie finally grabbed coffee and left the house, taking her own car after cleaning snow off, in case Meredith wanted to use her own and go to the cemetery today. Really though, Meredith wasn't sure what she wanted to do with her time today. All she knew was she had Amelia and the three kids.

Maggie was gone and Amelia left the kitchen, coming back with a box in her hands. "I know this doesn't mean much but…I know how long you've been looking for one and Mom sent me this the other day. It was our grandmothers and she thinks maybe you might like it," she glowered, rocking back and forth on her feet as Meredith opened the small jewelry box. Inside was a very old, very fragile, platinum chain, and Meredith looked up with a small smile, dangling it between her fingers. "It's perfect," she said, her voice barely a whisper. She put it back in the box, tucking them into her pocket for when she went upstairs to get dressed. Fortunately all three kids were finished breakfast and it was up to the two women to get the kids and themselves dressed for the day.

Bailey and Zola just wanted to go play in the snow, and Meredith laughed, nodding along with their big plans to make an igloo. "We can go play outside later," she promised them, kissing both of their noses. "We can go play outside and make snowmen and igloos and whatever but it's way too early and way too cold to go out now," she laughed, leading them upstairs. Zola was old enough to dress herself, so Amelia grabbed Bailey by the waist to dress him, while Meredith took the baby, who already needed a diaper change. "Hello again little girl," she smiled, gazing down at her perfect baby girl. Her way into the world had been awful, filled with blood and pain, not unlike her brother, but Meredith was grateful she was here, even if Derek wasn't here to watch her grow up. She wasn't religious but she knew Derek was looking down and watching their little family every day.

Once Ellie was dressed in a onesie covered in ballet slippers, she brought her downstairs and laid her down on a clean blanket, where she made a conscious effort to get herself into a sitting position, something Meredith never tired of watching. Zola and Bailey came dashing down the stairs with a hassled looking Amelia running down behind them, Bailey without pants. "Oh god, I tried to get them on him but he just wanted to stare at the snow," she insisted, having once been a very active three year old herself and been excited about snow. Both kids dashed to the window to watch the snow falling, and Amelia collapsed next to Meredith, who had her macbook open on her lap and was going through years and years of photos and videos. Curious, Amelia peeked over her shoulder.

"What are you doing?" she asked her, noting that she was pulling aside videos and photos of Derek and dropping them into a file. Meredith smiled at her a bit, tilting her head slightly. "I have thousands of photos and videos of Derek," she said slowly, shrugging her shoulders. "I figured I might as well make some grand tribute to him using all of them. It's been a year," she said, clicking on one video. It was them, in the very early days of their relationship, filming some cheesy video wishing the Shepherd family a merry Christmas which ended in them heavily making out. Clearly, that one didn't make the cut. She clicked on another one that consisted of them baking, throwing brownie batter at each other until it landed on her phone and all Meredith and Amelia could hear were shrieks of laughter. This wasn't Derek, the world-class neurosurgeon. This was Derek the human being, who had loved and laughed, felt joy and pain, had been mad at Meredith to the point of not speaking to her, and had simultaneously loved her more than he could ever have thought he could love a person. Meredith wanted him to be remembered as the person he was outside of work, and not the driven man he was inside the hospital.

Amelia felt tears in her eyes and she wrapped her arms around her sister in law. "It's perfect," she promised, smiling through her tears. "Are you going to show it at his memorial dinner tonight?" The two women had decided to throw a memorial in his honor at the house tonight. Everyone they were close with from the hospital was invited, and Amelia and Maggie were making the food yet again. Meredith had been in charge of the alcohol and non-alcohol as always, and tonight, just for tonight, Bailey and Zola were allowed to attend since Derek was their daddy and why should it be just the grownups? Meredith was determined to get her little project done today.

* * *

Meredith took the kids out in the snow for a bit and Amelia had joined them; Ellis took a nap and they'd brought the baby monitor outside, thankful that the range stretched outside. They made snowmen and snow angels, and tried to build an igloo but this was Seattle; there wasn't enough snow and it would be gone in the next rain. But the four of them had fun, and Meredith hadn't expected to laugh much today, although in reality she knew Derek wouldn't have wanted them to mourn him. He would've wanted them to laugh and have fun, while still honoring his memory. After playing in the snow, Meredith insisted the two have a bath to warm them up, and frankly she was considering a shower after how much snow she got in her hair and how cold she was. Amelia took the kids downstairs while Meredith showered, then they switched places, Meredith going back to her video and photo project while the kids played and Ellie napped in her swing as usual.

* * *

Later that evening, after Ellie was snug and warm in her crib, Meredith had changed into a dress and heels. Gazing at herself in the mirror, she couldn't help but think what a difference a year made. She looked older, harder. Her hair was shorter. There were deeper lines around her eyes. She was 34 years old with three kids but she felt like she looked older, and having gone through everything she had, she seemed older. Drowning, a shooting spree, a plane crash, almost bleeding out while giving birth to two children, the loss of her husband. She was too young for all of this, much too young. Her rings still sat on her finger, and after a moment she tore herself away from the mirror, her heels clacking on the floor, pulling the box from her pants from earlier in the day, and slipping Derek's wedding ring onto the chain, clasping it around her neck before returning to the mirror. It looked perfect, hanging just at her chest bone, and she smiled slightly as she touched it. She was never taking it off.

She could hear everyone downstairs, mingling around the kitchen, living room, and dining room, but she wasn't ready to join them yet. She sighed, staring back into the mirror again, imagining Derek standing there with her, his arm around her waist, telling her how proud he was of her. But he wasn't there. It had been a year. She fixed her lipstick before turning around and heading downstairs. Everyone looked up at her as she walked into the kitchen, Arizona giving her a tight hug. Almost everyone in the room knew loss, and everyone had been touched by the loss of Derek Shepherd, which was why everyone was here. Meredith slunk away to do a few shots of tequila before Alex could hide the bottle, and after her few shots she filled a glass with wine before rejoining the party. Everyone was there. April, Alex, Jo, Stephanie, Amelia, Richard, Catherine, Jackson, Callie, Arizona, Maggie , Bailey, Ben, Owen, Addison, Jake, and more. The amount of people that showed up in support of her and Amelia was astounding and she almost wondered if there was enough food, but she knew Maggie and Amelia were on top of it, and everyone had brought something. She was slightly overwhelmed and diverted herself to the living room, where Zola and Bailey were playing with Sofia and Henry. She curled up on the couch and kept her eyes on the four. Ellie was with Maggie, who was showing off the five month old, who looked more and more like her father every day. It choked Meredith up all the time.

Dinner was a buffet and Meredith had no appetite. How could she? It had been a year. She couldn't think about anything else but Derek. She wanted outside but it was freezing and snowy so she was stuck with people, albeit people she liked a whole lot. She had found her wine glass from earlier and had resumed drinking from it, trying to get as drunk as possible now. Eventually everyone moved into the living room for the slideshow and video part and Meredith had to get up, fiddling with the settings on her computer but finally it popped up on the large tv and she sat back, holding onto Amelia.

To her surprise, everyone loved the videos and photos of Derek. The videos were mostly Meredith and Derek, together and with the kids, with some slipped in from his childhood that Amelia had given him, but the photos were with everyone in their lives, and none of them were in the hospital. Derek had touched everyone with his kindness and helpfulness and it showed. Meredith was proud of her little slidehow and as she looked around the room, some of her female friends were wiping their eyes. April Kepner was full out crying. She vaguely remembered the woman being his 'secretary' or something like that for some time.

Once the video was over, Meredith had to do the hard part. Amelia had the baby and she got up and stood in front of all their friends in the front of her room, clearing her throat and pretending she hadn't been crying along into Amelia's shoulder. "Thank you for coming tonight, on the anniversary of Derek's death. I know this day is hard for all of us, but I know that he would've been happy to see us all gathered here celebrating his life," she said tearfully, wiping at her eyes. "Derek was an extraordinary person. He was a fighter. He never gave up, either on his patients or on me, and I'm grateful for both. There are a lot of people out there alive because of him. I'm alive because of him. He gave hope where there was none, and he saved me from myself. He gave me a life where I didn't think I could have one. He touched each and every life in this room, and thousands more out there in the world," she said, not knowing where she had the strength to give this speech or even where any of the words were coming from. She bit her lip, not knowing where to continue. Amelia fortunately saved her. "My brother was an amazing surgeon, but an even more amazing human being. He saved many lives over the years, including mine and Merediths, and both of us want to thank you for coming tonight. If you'd like, we can go around the room and share your favorite memory of Derek," she concluded, raising her glass of seltzer water. There was no toast tonight, no more drinking of alcohol to Derek's name. New years was one thing but a memorial service was another. They went around the room, everyone sharing a funny or memorable anecdote about Derek and Meredith couldn't help but smile at the things everyone was sharing. She knew everyone would have stories to tell the kids as they grew up and got older. It grew late, however, and everyone started leaving, not wanting to drive late at night in the snow.

Later that night, Meredith lay in her bed, Ellis by her side. She had wanted someone next to her for comfort and she snuggled up to the warm 5 month old, a smile on her face. Derek had truly been remembered tonight and she ran her fingers through the soft black curls on her daughters head. There was no questioning who her father was. There was a quiet knock at the door and then Amelia popped in, quietly climbing under the covers on the other side of Ellie. "Hey," she whispered to Meredith, and Mere smiled at her. "Hey Amy," she said quietly, looking down at Ellie who was smiling in her sleep. "Tonight went well," Amelia started, but Meredith could sense the tears in her eyes and gripped her hand, giving it a tight squeeze. The two women lay like that for awhile, the baby inbetween them, until Meredith was sure Amelia was asleep. Sometimes they just needed to sleep like that in order to feel sane and safe.

Meredith could feel herself drifting to sleep and as she took a deep breath, she felt everything letting go. The accident, Derek's death. It had been a year. Moving on with someone else wasn't an option, but moving on and learning to live her life was, and she was more than ready for it.

* * *

 **This is the last chapter for Seasons of Love! Thank you so much to all the people who have read my story, left reviews, and have loved it! My new story, Dreams On Fire, should be up very soon! I hope you all stick with my stories!**


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